A SURVIVOR'S STORY: Dealing with trauma and pain

When life throws you a curve

Why did I have such a run of bad luck? Bad karma? Fate? Pure random chance? Was I such an evil person in a past life that I am doomed to pay for those sins in this one?

I may never know why, but I do remember what. While most people seem to sail along with only a few bouts of choppy water, I am one of that handful who often find themselves slammed by a series of 50-foot waves every now and then.

The short list begins with the violence inflicted by my first husband when he discovered he had terminal cancer and became severely alcoholic and unexpectedly abusive. Memories of the beatings, as well as of Ron's gruesome death, took a toll for many years after. Repeated ailments and infections. Flashbacks and phobias.

My second marriage literally went up in flames the night our home burned. I was there alone, using steel wool to remove paint stripper from a metal power strip, when the jelly-like substance burst into flame from an errant spark. Within minutes, the house was gutted. After the firemen left, I kept trying to reach second husband Jack so that he wouldn't be stunned when he returned home. When I finally found him at the office, he told me that he had fallen in love with his boss and wanted a divorce. Nightmares, cold sweats, tears.

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The good news is that ending the marriage allowed me to meet my wonderfully supportive new husband Drew. But less than a year after we met, I slipped on the ice, flipped into the air and landed on my right arm and shoulder, exploding the bone and crushing nerves coming from the spine, an injury that still causes pain more than a decade later.

Hardest of all was the succession of three deaths within a year - first my boss Bob, then my young friend Mark and finally my daughter Kim, who died at 34 from a toxic combination of alcoholism and bulimia.

I feel awkward about publishing the list, as if I am asking for pity or victimhood. Not only are there literally millions of people who have suffered far more, but I am blessed with people to love me back, a career that matters, a home in the woods and pets to baby. Yet my odyssey, as I found my way back to the point where I can again see the world in color, deserves to be explored.

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